High school never ends.

Be warned I will be taking full advantage of the adult language disclaimer on the top of my page.

I'm overweight, clearly I realize this or I wouldn't have a blog devoted to trying to fix that. (Sure I am terrible at updating because I am easily embarassed when I screw up) I get that people find me unattractive but I don't really care about their opinions anyway. My boyfriend likes me and just wants me to healthy because he wants me to not die before I'm 30. (A little melodramatic I'd probably make it to 40).
But it's apparently offensive for me to be seen trying to correct this. Nobody looks good when they're working out if they're doing it right but yes I'm aware if you're particularly shallow the sight of someone my size jiggling sweating and puffing could be offputting but you know what? Shut the fuck up and go somewhere else! I was in the gym/ rec room in our apartment complex 3/4 through my 20 minute high intensity workout on the elliptical. (Medium stride for my height, 2nd highest resistance and averaging at least 55 steps a minute. ) When a bitchy blonde who couldn't have been more than a size 4 came in and decided that she needed that machine right now. Instead of asking me politely or inquiring how much longer the machine would be in use she decided that dissconnecting my headphones (my ishuffle was on a counter next to the machine.) and saying I looked "fucking pathetic" was the mature reaction to this situation. She continued to badger me with jabs about my love handles poking out (my top was too tight) and my chest bouncing (don't have a decent sports bra right now) and I told her politely(comparatively) that I had fifteen minutes left and to please take her hands off my stuff. Yes this added ten minutes to my workout out of spite. In retrospect that was not a mature reaction either but luckily I am pretty good at judging my fatigue levels and I had been contemplating either upping the resistance or going for longer and that was as good of a motivation as any to kick my ass harder,.

But seriously does she think this is fucking high school and just because she's conventionally attractive she has some fucking power over me? I was not a typical geeky doormat for popular kids back then and I sure as hell am not falling for it now. There is nothing pathetic about seeing my problem and trying to fix it.

That, right there is why I've ranted about how our society is so enabling for obesity. We say that we want people to get healthy and that it's not an aesthetic issue but god help you if you show that you're working on it. Being on a diet is passe and no one takes you seriously when you're working out in public. Well, society FUCK YOU! I'm overweight, I'm fixing it and I don't give a damn what you think of it.

"If i look back i am lost."

 Daenerys Targaryen, A Game of Thrones

Extra Credits?

I didn't work out today since I've been with Riley all day and I'm not paticularly fond of working out in front of him; Well anyone really. That's the main reason I keep weekends as my recovery days. I am considering working out tonight anyway since I am alone while he's at game. I am just feeling so... gross. It's like I'm not doing enough and everyone can see what a half ass effort this is.

I know I am making progress I think this is mostly just guilt about how falling off the wagon and losing so much ground. I know intellectually that this is a slow process and that I'm going to lose track along the way it's just, well tiring. This is not a Karate Kid montage it's a marathon. I know I've said all of this before and I'm really just whining but honestly it's my blog and I feel like crap so that's what I'm going to talk about.

On a lighter note, taking that photo of me made me think that I would like to do a time lapse video of my weight loss process. In the media you see a lot of extremely unrealistic portrayals of weight loss (Yes I'm looking at you Biggest Loser and Extreme Weightloss Makeover!) and I want to show what a year of weightloss looks like. So from here on out, I will take a photo every day that I can until I have 365 of them to put into video together. This will be embarassing since it will make my setbacks obvious as well as how soul crushingly slow this process is. I know I will get there, one step at a time.


Alternate Spock: One man cannot summon the future.
James T. Kirk: But one man can change the present. - Star Trek TOS. Mirror, Mirror

P.S. I went to Trek in the Park in Portland today and they performed that episode. It was awesome!

Day 9. Facing the scale

So I had to get on the scale before they would give me my shot. I was nervous because I have seen so little difference in my measurements or my fitness level and I have been slipping but I got an awesome suprise. I lost more than ten pounds!
I still have a long ways to go but this is a huge milestone and it total gave me the impetus to keep going because clearly I am doing something right. I know I said that the weight itself is not the goal and I have no magic number but it's still some tangible evidence that I am on my way to getting better. Also I have lost another half inch off my waist and two inches off the evil belly! That leaves 3.5 inches to go to my overall goal waistwise and a very long way to go on the actual tummy but it's a step and I will totally take it as a victory.

Day 6

What Fitness is supposed to look like.

How I feel 

"Figures. All my life I've fought against imperialism. Now, suddenly I *am* the expanding Russian frontier."
"But with very nice borders."

Ivanova and Franklin,

This is supposed to be fun soon. Supposedly the benefits are going to heap upon me to outweigh the pain and embarrassment. In fact fitness propaganda constantly tells me about how much better exercise should be making me feel by now. Here's a breakdown of those benefits and why many of them do not apply to the obese trying to get back in shape.

1. Less Stress. No, exercise so far has been pretty darn stressful and the pain is throwing my whole life out of whack. I can't even do laundry without swearing like a sailor. 

2. Improves Mood. See above I assume that I don't have to explain why that makes for a terrible mood. 

3. Better Sleep. Not yet, mostly I'm being kept up with aches and cramps and when I do sleep it's restless and full of really weird nightmares from the adrenaline leftover by all the aforementioned stress.

4. Better Sex life. True so far but I think that has more to do with the fact that my boyfriend's leaving for a week than the exercise.

5. Better Overall Health. Yes, eventually this will make me more healthy that's kind of the point. 

6.More Energy. Bullshit I'm a living Romero movie right now. 

7. Lose or Manage Weight. Once again kind of the point. 

8. Better Metabolism. See above 

9. Decreases Chances of Disease. See above 

10. Better Concentration.  Lies! So, very sleepy! 

So yeah I am on day six and wondering when the hell this becomes a magical sparkly process that turns me into Cinderella because this "doing it the hard way" stuff is bullshit. 

Where's the application for a fairy godmother?! 

Yes I'm aware this is useless whining; but it makes me feel better. This process is not unbearable, just hard. And unfortunately the montage movie culture we've grown up with makes it seem like this much work should be yielding at least something. It is, I have lost 1.5 inches off of my waist which means I have 4.5 left to go. My stomach is also two inches down with quite a ways to go. That just doesn't seem like very much at all. 

Ok, enough self pity for one day. Onward to sewing! 

Day 3

Well technically I was pretty good on Saturday for a day of "rest" I went hiking and chased around a toddler and hung out with a friend who eats really good food. But today was the third day of my actual routine. I know that my weekends are just too inconsistent to worry about so they are my recovery days.

I am slowly discovering the things about losing weight when you're this far out of shape that they don't tell you on the Biggest Loser or in sparkly gyms that don't have a fat person in sight.

1. It hurts: I'm not talking muscle ache here. Your bones have so much stress on them from extra weight that throwing it around to try to get it the hell off hurts. My ankles and knees are aching like crazy as is my back. I can barely move to do anything else on top of every muscle in my body being sore.
2. It stinks: Beyond sweat, your body is secreting all the refined sugars and toxins you have built up getting to this point. Also your body is suddenly getting a lot of food that requires more digestion. (if you're eating well that is) So it will take a few WEEKS for it to learn how to process that kind of food without making your colon a wind instrument from hell. On top of that you are swallowing a ton of air while you work out. It's just darned unpleasant.
3. Once you're this big EVERYONE just assumes that this is a fad. Thanks to our cultural obsession with a sexy archetype pretty much everyone has tried to lose the weight several times before. (This does tend to apply more to women than men. But as a woman I'm gong with my own experience here) So no matter how serious you are this time everyone you look to for support will try very hard to conceal how dismissive they are being. If you are lucky you know someone who has already beat this or someone as dedicated to trying as you are. If not it sucks but it will be a while before anyone really realizes how serious you are and how much you need their support. This is why I am writing here I am creating my own support even if it's just talking to myself this point.
4.Admitting that you're on a diet is a faux pas. For a culture obsessed with skinny people we sure ostracize people who are dieting for being "too uptight" Once again this may apply more to women than men but it's true. If you're overweight and eating a burger it's ignored but if you order the dreaded salad there's something wrong with you. This double standard is one of the hardest parts of trying to get your body back on the right track. When holidays, get togethers and nights out are pressuring you to "splurge"
It is not bad occasionally. But it is such a large part of the social experience it's not quite rare enough to be considered splurging so much as cheating on your routine. It can totally derail your progress.
5. Motivation is a fickle bitch. You need to make this a routine or else you will stop when the bad starts to outweigh the good and your motivation begins to wane. I know I almost already fucked it up when I slept in late today. If you wait until you have the motivation or are "in the mood" you will never get better. To quote the great Gurney Halleck "Mood? What has mood to do with it? You fight when the necessity arises — no matter the mood! Mood's a thing for cattle or making love or playing the baliset. It's not for fighting." This is a fight and for me surrender means very literal death. It may not be immediate but the sword is still hanging. 


This road is not easy but I'm going to make it. 3 days down so far, a lifetime to go.