High school never ends.

Be warned I will be taking full advantage of the adult language disclaimer on the top of my page.

I'm overweight, clearly I realize this or I wouldn't have a blog devoted to trying to fix that. (Sure I am terrible at updating because I am easily embarassed when I screw up) I get that people find me unattractive but I don't really care about their opinions anyway. My boyfriend likes me and just wants me to healthy because he wants me to not die before I'm 30. (A little melodramatic I'd probably make it to 40).
But it's apparently offensive for me to be seen trying to correct this. Nobody looks good when they're working out if they're doing it right but yes I'm aware if you're particularly shallow the sight of someone my size jiggling sweating and puffing could be offputting but you know what? Shut the fuck up and go somewhere else! I was in the gym/ rec room in our apartment complex 3/4 through my 20 minute high intensity workout on the elliptical. (Medium stride for my height, 2nd highest resistance and averaging at least 55 steps a minute. ) When a bitchy blonde who couldn't have been more than a size 4 came in and decided that she needed that machine right now. Instead of asking me politely or inquiring how much longer the machine would be in use she decided that dissconnecting my headphones (my ishuffle was on a counter next to the machine.) and saying I looked "fucking pathetic" was the mature reaction to this situation. She continued to badger me with jabs about my love handles poking out (my top was too tight) and my chest bouncing (don't have a decent sports bra right now) and I told her politely(comparatively) that I had fifteen minutes left and to please take her hands off my stuff. Yes this added ten minutes to my workout out of spite. In retrospect that was not a mature reaction either but luckily I am pretty good at judging my fatigue levels and I had been contemplating either upping the resistance or going for longer and that was as good of a motivation as any to kick my ass harder,.

But seriously does she think this is fucking high school and just because she's conventionally attractive she has some fucking power over me? I was not a typical geeky doormat for popular kids back then and I sure as hell am not falling for it now. There is nothing pathetic about seeing my problem and trying to fix it.

That, right there is why I've ranted about how our society is so enabling for obesity. We say that we want people to get healthy and that it's not an aesthetic issue but god help you if you show that you're working on it. Being on a diet is passe and no one takes you seriously when you're working out in public. Well, society FUCK YOU! I'm overweight, I'm fixing it and I don't give a damn what you think of it.

"If i look back i am lost."

 Daenerys Targaryen, A Game of Thrones

Embarrassing Anecdote and a diatribe on Fad Diets.

So I tried today but I pushed myself a little too hard trying to make my routine more challenging and ended up hurting myself. Nothing major just embarrassing and it reminded me of something I want to talk about. I warn you the following concerns the uncomfortable subject of bodily functions and why eating right is really really important.

I was lazy last night after two days away from home sleeping on a terribly uncomfy couch so I just tossed some sauerkraut and pork shank in the crock pot when we got home in the afternoon and fell into a deep nap. Under ordinary circumstances, served with green salad this is a perfectly healthy meal. Pork shank is lean and kraut is a low fat flavoring with all the nutrients of cabbage. Unfortunately my body was stressed from lack of sleep and trying out some new workout moves. (Seriously reverse squats are evil but they get some hard to reach muscles in the quads, glutes and lower back) and when my body gets too stressed it doesn't digest things very well and I end up bloated and with diarrhea. Cabbage can cause such a reaction on it's own so my body was in for a double whammy (what is it with cabbage and beans, some of the healthiest things out there but they are so bad for bloating!)  So I had that unpleasantness and when I was finally recovered enough to work out (I thought) I started doing some of the new squats I added to the routine and I felt a terrible pain. I went to the bathroom and  was bleeding from my anus. (tried to warn you this was embarassing) I had torn it from the stress of the morning and the new moves. It's nothing serious but the little stuff like this that no one talks about it why it is so important to plan ahead and really think about what you are putting in your body. I know it's not fun to think about but the fact that people don't talk about this stuff is part of why extreme weight loss fails so often. This embarrassing and painful kind of experience is really discouraging if you don't realize how common it can be. The solution to this is of course more fiber and smaller portions of foods that cause me distress before I up a workout difficulty level. But it's annoying that I had to derail a day of progress for a dumb mistake.

Now, onto tonight's rant on Fad diets. When I was 17 a doctor got on my case about my weight because I was about 180 with a 32" waist and 42" chest and hips. (in short about where I am trying to get back to now.) I was in colorguard so I was dancing and marching and running to workout. I also worked as a CNA after school so I was on my feet a lot. I really wasn't unhealthy. A size 12 is hardly obese. But my BMI said differently so the doctor put me on the South Beach diet. The handouts she ended up giving me were so confusing that I ended up eating pretty much nothing but iceberg lettuce "salad" , celery and grilled chicken since it was a low carb based system. I lost a ridiculous amount of weight (about twenty pounds in just over a month) I got compliments left and right and I even went to prom with the guy I'd had a crush on for months (despite the fact that he had consistently not shown interest before.) But it was a terribly unhealthy way to function especially went I started taking an insane short term college class that had me waking up at 5AM to work 9 hours straight. The boy dumped me and my body pretty much just shut down on me. So I went back to eating the way I had been before which made me gain it all back plus some. Then college hit and so did cafeteria food and sedentary student life so I just kept getting bigger.

[Via: Weight Loss for Lemondrop]

That's an extreme example but the concept is the same. When something offers you insane weight loss in exchange for paring your menu down to a single foodgroup or item. Avoid it like the plague! Your body is a finicky machine that needs a huge variety of different foods. While the old food pyramid was a little miss-stacked it was a good idea of how many different things your body needs to thrive.
Also, as I've said before anything that promises a result to good to be true, isn't. Weight loss is a slow grinding  process that takes commitment and serious, all around change. You can't just pick up a diet until you're where you want to be and then go back to your old life. It just makes it worse. That being said, remember this is a lifestyle, not a diet.

What the food pyramid should look like (No one ever remembers legumes) 

Day 3

Well technically I was pretty good on Saturday for a day of "rest" I went hiking and chased around a toddler and hung out with a friend who eats really good food. But today was the third day of my actual routine. I know that my weekends are just too inconsistent to worry about so they are my recovery days.

I am slowly discovering the things about losing weight when you're this far out of shape that they don't tell you on the Biggest Loser or in sparkly gyms that don't have a fat person in sight.

1. It hurts: I'm not talking muscle ache here. Your bones have so much stress on them from extra weight that throwing it around to try to get it the hell off hurts. My ankles and knees are aching like crazy as is my back. I can barely move to do anything else on top of every muscle in my body being sore.
2. It stinks: Beyond sweat, your body is secreting all the refined sugars and toxins you have built up getting to this point. Also your body is suddenly getting a lot of food that requires more digestion. (if you're eating well that is) So it will take a few WEEKS for it to learn how to process that kind of food without making your colon a wind instrument from hell. On top of that you are swallowing a ton of air while you work out. It's just darned unpleasant.
3. Once you're this big EVERYONE just assumes that this is a fad. Thanks to our cultural obsession with a sexy archetype pretty much everyone has tried to lose the weight several times before. (This does tend to apply more to women than men. But as a woman I'm gong with my own experience here) So no matter how serious you are this time everyone you look to for support will try very hard to conceal how dismissive they are being. If you are lucky you know someone who has already beat this or someone as dedicated to trying as you are. If not it sucks but it will be a while before anyone really realizes how serious you are and how much you need their support. This is why I am writing here I am creating my own support even if it's just talking to myself this point.
4.Admitting that you're on a diet is a faux pas. For a culture obsessed with skinny people we sure ostracize people who are dieting for being "too uptight" Once again this may apply more to women than men but it's true. If you're overweight and eating a burger it's ignored but if you order the dreaded salad there's something wrong with you. This double standard is one of the hardest parts of trying to get your body back on the right track. When holidays, get togethers and nights out are pressuring you to "splurge"
It is not bad occasionally. But it is such a large part of the social experience it's not quite rare enough to be considered splurging so much as cheating on your routine. It can totally derail your progress.
5. Motivation is a fickle bitch. You need to make this a routine or else you will stop when the bad starts to outweigh the good and your motivation begins to wane. I know I almost already fucked it up when I slept in late today. If you wait until you have the motivation or are "in the mood" you will never get better. To quote the great Gurney Halleck "Mood? What has mood to do with it? You fight when the necessity arises — no matter the mood! Mood's a thing for cattle or making love or playing the baliset. It's not for fighting." This is a fight and for me surrender means very literal death. It may not be immediate but the sword is still hanging. 


This road is not easy but I'm going to make it. 3 days down so far, a lifetime to go.